My soul delights because I am yours
If I don't base my identity off of who I am in God, I no longer have self-confidence, I am always worrying about pleasing others instead of just being myself
My strength in life is I am yours
My soul delights because I am yours If I don't base my identity off of who I am in God, I no longer have self-confidence, I am always worrying about pleasing others instead of just being myself
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Today I went to my Grandma's for her birthday. My kouign-amann turned out great. I showed her pictures, videos, and posters from my year in France for over an hour. She thanked me for showing her. I thanked her for just letting me relive my amazing moments from this past year. She had no idea how much that blessed me.
My sister and I then hung out at the mall for a few hours. It was fun to take silly pictures in the middle of Fashion Island and to talk about more serious things at the food court while sharing PandaExpress and sipping lemonade and soda. Finally, we came to Group late. Michael talked about how God uses us best when we are broken. If we have any life, we give it and it still blesses others. I have been feeling so tired lately...then I realized, it's not because God's Presence has left, it's because there hasn't been room for it in my life. I have been so busy with my own agenda and my own popularity that I have not had time to think about bringing Him glory. I've realized that people aren't going to support my year at Bethel because I have an eleborate website where I try to prove how talented and deserving I am...but because they want God to do a work in my heart this year. When we serve Him and seek Him first, everything else falls into place. I don't like feeling unorganized and exhausted 24/7, but that's what it's been like this week...and God does not desire disorder, but perfect peace. We then had another amazing time of worship where we sang, "Beautiful Things," raised our hands, danced, harmonized, prayed...then we just chatted for about half an hour. Michael had spent four months in India and Josh had spent time in Romania. I was reminded how our materialistic world isn't "normal" to other countries, and how I take advantage of the economic freedom I have here. As we were going home, I thought of a lot. If we do not have time to put God first, we do not have time to think. If we try to control everything, we lose control and find total KAOS. (I've been watching too many Get Smart episodes this week...) I'm excited about the piano/theory/songwriting lessons I'm supposed to start in Redding. I move up in two weeks! I volunteered myself to make a kouign-amann for my Grandma's birthday. I asked my dad to look for yeast at the store while he was on his walk. He said he couldn't find any yeast but that it was the same thing as baking powder. "Levure" and "levure chimique" looked similar in French. In either case, both things would cause the dough to rise, right? I stuck with the baking powder.
I also noticed that all we had was whole-grain flour. Lots of it. I knew deep down inside that the taste would not be the same as it would be with all-purpose bleached white flour, but I tried to ignore this as I began making the kouign-amann later that night and noticed the little brown grains sticking out from the mix. I tried to remember how to knead. Loïc had said to work from the middle of my paulmes. The mix wasn’t sticking on my hands, which was nice but surprising. He had made me make my own bread during my second kouign-amann party in Rennes, saying that one day I'd be doing this in California without a bread maker. I was kind of ticked that he was right. He’d known all along I’d be struggling here, the only one in the house, wishing I had someone who actually knew how to do this stuff to help…and also that Aria, Nell, Loïc, Andrew, Natalia, and Alma were here working with me and taking pictures every few minutes while listening to music. I put on a movie in order to feel like I had a little more company. I waited over an hour and a half for the dough to rise after I had finished "kneading" (which is NOT what I had actualy been doing, I found out later on.) When I came back to it, I realized that little had risen. Only a third of the amount of sugar I was to put in fit, and when I tried rolling the dough the sugar and butter kept falling out. I was no cook. No baker. I felt like everything I had learnt in France had come down to nothing. I was literally on the verge of tears when I heard the key turn at the front door. My sister came in and LOVED the "cake." "It hasn't even been cooked yet!" I said. "It's so good." "I literally had to grab half the dough out of her hands in order to stick the rest in the oven so it would caramelize.” It's your early birthday cake, since I'll be gone again on your birthday," I said sarcastically. Literally a few seconds later, my mom came in and tried some. "Is it THAT good?" I asked. "Yes!" she said. "Yeah," my mom, who had just walked in, replied. "But baking powder is definitely not the same as yeast." "Don't ask DAD for baking advice!" Rhianna added. Just then my dad walked in the door and pleaded his innocence before agreeing to go the store to buy whole grain flour and yeast with me so I could start over again...at 10 pm. During this episode, I no longer wanted to cry, but smile. My failed attempt at a kouign-amann had been a complete success with my family. It just reminded me of the quirks of the Martin family. If you ask someone else where something is, the reply is, "Well it's gotta be SOMEwhere around here. Did you look upstairs?" If you ask how to knead dough, my mom tells you to look in the cookbook. It was nice to be reminded of the quirks and perks of my family and share a funny moment before I leave for Bethel in a couple of weeks. On Thursday, a couple of us from the Vineyard set up a "Need Prayer?" tent on the corner of Imperial. One man came by just as we were finishing setting up. He had had an apocolyptic dream the night before. Was that God setting this up? It was encouraging to have someone right away.
Later, two Christian women came desperate for prayer. One had simply walked into a church and prayed earlier that day. She had just been walking around, feeling so hopeless. Then she saw our "Need Prayer?" booth. Another said she was just thinking that she would love prayer. She wanted a part-time job at CHOC...and there was a contact at Vineyard who could possibly give it to her! It was obviously divine intervention. We had had no idea! We were just being available. The coolest moment was when a little boy on a scooter, about 11 years old, said his ankle and wrist hurt. "It's not a big deal," he added. "Sure it is, for God. If you want to step into the prayer booth, I can pray for you," I said. I said a 30-second prayer, commanded the bones to come back into place in Jesus' name. "How does it feel?" I asked. He was wide-eyed. "It feels so much better!" "Let's pray for complete healing!" I urged. I continued for another 30 seconds. "Well?" "This is amazing!" he said, turning and feeling his ankle. "There is so much less pain than when I was riding on my scooter." "That's great!" I said, dissapointed that there had not been complete healing but surprised and happy that he was so excited about the great improvement. "God bless!" he said as he got up and waved. "You too!" I said, thinking that I should be the one saying that. Today I went to my first-ever American wedding...and I am old enough to get married! (not like that's happening anytime soon...)
The pastor read John-Paul and Susanna's vows. Susanna was impressed by her groom's continuous desire to find intimacy with Jesus. John-Paul was impressed that Susanna was a "warrior princess" who loved God so much. This girl inspires me and is so sweet. Jeremiah Carlson, lead singer of the band "The Neverclaim," had described how he and his girlfriend had planned to get married directly after high school. Instead, she decided to take a year to go abroad and be an intern at YWAM. "Guys, you wanna gind a girl who loves Jesus more than you," he said. "Girls, you wanna find a young man that will leave you to follow Jesus. Then he will never leave you." During the ceremony, I began to write a song in my journal. Be my first love, be my first love I wanna know my bridgroom So I can be his beautiful bride Teach me your love, teach me your love I wanna be a lover Who will lay down her life If I ever get married, I want whoever I marry to love me first because of my heart. It is a choice to love others and be humble...and I definitely lack in these areas! I'm excited about what Jesus will teach me this year at Bethel though. Jesus has been reminding me that He is the ultimate lover and romancer. In images, he is dancing with us or handing us red roses. I pray that this concept of the "bridegroom" would be real for me, that I would fall deeply in love that I can't help but love everyone around me. Did you know that literally translated, worship means, "to move towards and kiss?" Often we see at as someone who is facedown, raising their hands up, "Oh Lord I hath sinned forgathe me." Essentially, it is intimacy with our Father and Creator :) "You could love me more in a moment Than all the lovers could in a moment" (Steffany Frizzell) This is probably my favorite lyric ever. It is so powerful. "God is a lover looking for a lover So he fashioned me God is a lover looking for a lover So he formed my heart Just one pulse of your heart I'm in love There's nothing like you and I See the way he holds the stars in his hand See the way he holds my heart" (Misty Edwards) "We're gonna go where nobody's gone before We're gonna do what nobody's done before We will be laid down-lovers!" (Steffany Frizzell) "Where I Belong" Matt Gilman and Cory Asbury I am my Beloved’s and He is mine, So come into Your garden and take delight in me Take delight in me While resting at the Book Cellar this week, a sort of film flashed through my mind. The two of us were close--dancing, ice skating together, etc. At the end of these beautiful scenes, I saw a picture of His scarred, bleeding face on the cross. The crown of thorns was on His head. I opened my eyes, surprised. Then it all made sense: I know that this was the ultimate expression of love the world has ever known. "Arms Wide Open" by Misty Edwards What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering What does love look like? What does love look like? is the question Ive been asking of You Once believed that love was romance, just a chance I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful I once believed that love was a momentary bliss, but love is more than this All You ever wanted was my attention All You ever wanted was love from me All You ever wanted was my affections to sit here at Your feet and tell me What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering What does love look like? If all of life comes down to love then tell me What does love look like? is the question Ive been pondering What does love look like? Then I sat down a little frustrated and confused Your fire of life comes down to love. And love has to be more than sentiment, More than selfishness and selfish gain Then I saw Him there Hanging on a tree, looking at me I saw Him there Hanging on a tree, looking at me He was looking at me looking at Him, staring through me I could not escape those beautiful eyes And I began to weep and weep He had arms wide open, heart exposed Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding. Arms wide open, heart exposed Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding Loves definition Loves definition, was looking at me Looking at Him. Hanging on a tree I began to weep and weep and weep and weep This is how I know what love is. And as I sat there, weeping, crying, those beautiful eyes Full of desire and love. And He said to me You shall love Me..You shall love Me. With arms wide open, heart exposed With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding You shall love Me.. You shall love Me.. If anybodys looking for love in all the wrong places If youve been searching for love, come to Me. Come to me. Take up your cross. Deny yourself. Forget your fathers house and run. Run with Me. Cause you were made for abandon your heart and listen Cause you were made for Someone greater, Someone bigger, so follow Me. And youll come alive when you learn to die. And He said to me You shall love Me. You shall love Me With arms wide open, heart exposed With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding http://www.youtube.com/watch?v= While watching this, I held open my hands. He handed me a heart, and we put it into my own. The band Red has a song called "Lost."
Lost in You Everywhere I go Everything I do Finding Something New Lost in You! When we have hunger for God, we can never fully be satisfied. The passionate Christian longs for more...no matter what age we are. Today was Day 1 at a youth conference held at the Anaheim Vineyard. The theme is worship.
When I got there, Wes approached me. He wanted to make sure I was finding a community among the young adults. More than he could imagine! I don't even think he knew how much being a part of this church community for only two and a half weeks has completely changed my life. During the first session, Pastor Mike talked. He said when he was 17, he didn't care for Jesus and was afraid of being judged during a youth conference his grandma "dragged" him to. Instead, a man told him he would influence tens of thousands of people for Christ. At 18, he just started bawling while driving home. He knew it was God trying to speak to him. He dedicated his life to Jesus. At 19, he was on a missions trip. It's crazy how God can change someone's life in such a short amount of time. He has completely turned mine around in a just a few months. Three months ago, I had no idea I'd go to Bethel, or want to dedicate my life to worship. I would wake up each day tired and guilty. I worshipped fear. My life revolved around it. Worship is giving yourself to something more powerful to satisfy yourself. But I could never be satisfied wih a life that is predictable and silent about the things that matter. I'd rather die. Now I wake up and spend my days filled with God's presence and spirit. I see actual healing and pray for people older than me and dance around the room during worship...things I would have been terrified to do two years ago and a lot less comfortable to do two months ago. "Do you want to say yes to God? Do you want to surrender whatever is your idol? Just say yes, and He will do the changing..." I was about ready to fall on the ground and cover my face and start bawling at this point. "More!" I thougt as I went to the front to respond to the invitation. There were things I needed to give up, and I knew God takes each part of your life and makes it greater than you ever could have planned yourself. The Neverclaim sang more songs. The Spirit just fell down. I was a mess. My tears would turn to laughter, then laughter to tears. I laid a hand on a girl and ministered to her through song. Afterwards, some random guy came up and said he admired the way I worshipped. His name was Sampson. I thanked him then wrote about two and a half prophetic worship songs. The lyrics and music just came to me! They are to be posted/recorded soon. They both went with the theme of surrender. The environment I was in simply redefined normal...stay tuned for more of that for part 2. Natalie Grant is such an annointed singer and songwriter. She is beautiful, talented, and so passionate about Jesus! This song shows the power of the meaning of a Name: the Annointed One, the healer and deliverer! Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name My cat was getting really skinny. We assumed she would die soon. Now she has gained a pound in a week.
My dad had a terrible headache. I prayed over it and it left for the night. Someone I babysat had leg pains. I prayed over them and they left. My family is closer than we have been in years. I think it is because of the environment we are in. We go to the Vineyard and there is freedom, healing, and encouragement there. Bill Johnson says, "you're shadow will always release what overshadows you." I'm getting really excited about the future :) I have found temporary housing...so I'm moving to Redding SOON! |
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